i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
