she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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