i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
