you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
