did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
