just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
