If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
