Too much gin, very little bucket
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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