Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
