I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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