His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
