I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
