shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
