I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
