I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
