there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
