did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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