That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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