how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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