he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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