How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
