I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
