Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.