Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.