Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.