You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.