I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
