He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
