How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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