she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
