there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
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You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
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At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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