My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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