There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
