Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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