so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
