Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
