I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
