Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
