Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
