Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
