Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
