Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
