I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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