Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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