We're facebook friends in real life
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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