My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
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