**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
