I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
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whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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