Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Randomize
