five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
