My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
