Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
