just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
