I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
