Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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