I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
