Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
