Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Randomize
