turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
