u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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