You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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