I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
