we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
