We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
