Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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