What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
