I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
