you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
